Update

So I realise I have been really bad lately with the blog updates. Deal with it! The beginning of this year has proved to be interesting. After the relationship debacle that ended last year I now find myself in demand by a French girl. Some of you probably find that hard to believe - again deal with it!

Re affirmed the fact that I am not infallible in any walk of life. Another brilliantly obvious discovery that once again qualifies my belief that this is all a big endurance ride and all we are required to do is hold on for dear life.

Anyway the start to my year has seen me spread my wings over two continents. I went off to Dallas Texas - which is in the continental United States but is often regarded as being its own country and not part of the US. Brilliant trip - lots of drinking. Good fun and I now can recommend a number of fine establishments to see and be seen at if you ever find yourself in that neck of the woods. Let me say to that I have it on good authority that Dallas is the second best place in the US for mammary glands (Shel). The first being the west coast, San Fransico - LA... This I get from my cousin Lyal, as I have not been yet but plans are a foot.

The next portion of January was taken up by birthdays, sisters and snowboarding in Switzerland. The birthday was an interesting one - was surrounded by all the people I hold near and dear here in the UK. Those few that missed it had been attended to on the Saturday at Ant's birthday party. I had forgotten what it was like to be out in a crowd of mates... So now as I dab the tear from my eye for "the boys", Shae, James, Shel, Roy and the rest of that crowd - I shall continue and talk of Switzerland.

My second snowboarding trip to date and I am now firmly "hooked" on the sport. Although I have learnt the perils of the snowboard and drag lift. I can seemingly get down a slope okay but god forbid I could get back up on one of those horrible drag lifts. They are all fine and dandy for those geriatric skiers but for the new, hip and trendy snowboarder.... Many I trip to the top of the piste saw your faithful blogger ( me dumb asses) ascending on his stomach while in front and behind me clutches of five year olds on skies effortless made their way to the top on the same lift systems. Embarrassing to say the least!

The snow in Switzerland was less than impressive. So on one of the dreary days I was off to Levy Le Bain. A set of hot springs and relaxation center about 30kms from the resort. Here I discovered ice swimming. Crazy bastards jump out of saunas and into freezing water and then back into the sauna. Repeat until your chop falls off and then run around telling everyone you have never felt so alive.... Me I jumped in once got the hell out and stayed the hell out. My whole body felt like it had some serious pins and needles and that was about that.

Returning to the UK after that - I am faced by another year here. Where last year was the year I found my feet I expect this year to be the year for me to enjoy my new found balance. Aware that I will almost certainly find that, with friends moving off into their own lives, at the end of this year there will certainly be less footholds to use. With this in mind I am out and about this year expanding the circle of trust. Constantly trimming and weeding the acquaintance garden. A nessecary chore as while bridges should never be burnt - sometimes you have to cut away the dead weight to ensure your own continued growth and sanity.

I am beginning to believe that my generosity of spirit - or at least the levels of this generosity may be an issue. Not that being generous is a character flaw but more that I perhaps take it too far and that I do it to substitute for things that I feel I am missing rather than going out and filling the voids properly. I don't know if that makes any sense to anyone - especially you Jason! I guess that as I have gotten through the January event updates I am now just putting my mindset out onto the web. A virtual rendition of the usual breeze shooting that would take place if I were addressing you all in person.

As always correspondence from Africa is less than satisfactory. Some of us are stuck out here in the European bush waiting for word from friends and family that comes less regularly than rain in the Namib. But that which is recieved is always appreciated and I hope replied to. Perhaps the email exchange is on African time and adopts the same efficiency standards and I will soon find myself swamped in a gmail box by postdated correspondences from you all.

Anyway I have almost run out of hot air for this session. May you find this entry in high spirits. There is a little double entendre there for any of you willing to pull it out. Keep on keeping on sooner or later we will all find what we are looking for. So keep your eyes open so you recognise it. Take the risks make the mistakes and keep growing.

Buubus
Blogging it up

2007 A beginning ....

So a new year has pounced on us again. Once again I was - due to the vast quantities of alcohol consumed in the last throws of '06 - close to brain dead for the dongs. I spent the hand over under Liecester Square in the Buzz Bar. This year I will try for something a little bit more exotic God willing.

So it should be quite a big year for me. A lot of change is needed. I have to sort out my career, education and dating issues. Which means new job, woman, course in some sort of order - as of yet decided. At least this time I think I know what I am looking for in all three areas.
Seeing things a little more clearly due to the lessons of last year and hopeful that I have finally learned and relearned that no one is going to help me do what I want to do and get where I am wanting to go. I know what you are thinking - I should know this already. Well like I said relearn... Sometimes you need to be reminded of obvious things.

Anyway I am off to Dallas again in a few days - got a weekend there and come back to London around 11 on Wednesday - two days of work and then that is it for work in my 27th year. Yip 13 days and I get that little bit closer to the big 3 o. The next day I hit the Swiss slopes with my sis for a little under a week. Should be great fun unless I, in my old and in firmed state, fall to hard and do myself a snow injury!

So a big year ahead for me a lot of travel a lot of getting my shit in order and a lot of dating, God willing... Hope all you out there who use this to keep up on my goings on - all three of you - are having equally productive starts to this annum and more so hope to hear from you soon and with surprising regularity. Looking forward to some visits from the boys this year - some massive parties with some good London mates and a great summer holiday off the coast of Croatia, sailing.

Happy new year everybody
Keep it real and remember .....

I forget

IATB

Seemingly harsh realities fade away under a closer light ( read in entirity or not at all)

So I wasn't doing so good this morning. Pure fact - felt a little down - took some strain. I just deleted the page or so of soppy mumblings. No reason to post it - I figured some stuff out from my morning funk:

Cold grey and wet Mondays blow goats! They are like horny Argentinian goat hurders left alone on cold, craggy grey mountains.

RATM has a very powerful positive effect on me. And that days that see the return of old friend's are ones that should be marked with positive bright colours in all memories. Rowan welcome back!!! Man the party has returned to London and there is now some serious catch up to be done.

Break out the smiles and lets see if we can make those clocks run through the hours like we used to?

Now and then!!!

Another lonely Tango

So today's entry will hopefully be cathartic. Brutal honesty will command my keystrokes and form the spinal column of this chapter. There will be no pictures, no flowery language - just me and this little public viewing of my inner workings this morning.

Last night I opened myself up again... I dropped all pretence and took the risk. If I am really honest about it I think I knew what I was going to hear - I just needed to hear it. So it appears that once again I believed, wrongly so, that my heart was dancing a tango. The rhythms of its new mechanics were not mirrored by the intended partner. I said brutal honesty and I meant it. With this in mind I must say that I am not sure if it is because of the clouding of the memory of the previous encounters, or if it is just a side effect of the drug binges they induced in attempt to stop feeling, but I do not remember the cut being this deep.

My cousin, Lyal told me the first time this happened that it was a necessary part of growing up. He said that it made us build up walls and that the next time the person you let in will be that much more special for having breached them. I think that he may be right. But what do you do when you let someone in and they don't want to come in? Especially after the walls go down.

Enough harping on about what I have allowed to happen to me again. It is after all my own fault and could have been avoided or at least minimised by addressing it earlier or by not having hidden away from the repercussions of the previous attempts . This last statement should probably be expanded on - in keeping with the brutal honesty theme and to aid in identifying the lessons I so obviously need to learn.

My good aussie mate Justin once burdened me with the wisdom of not letting things like this lie. The added time, he said, only serves to prolong the fantasy, which is exactly what unrequited love must surely be. I knew then and know even more so now that this is true. I guess the first lesson is that when you think you have found someone special that you must, for yourself and for them, tell them. Wasting time and playing it safe only serve to prolong this very dangerous fantasy.

Secondly I have realised, and this is truly a big positive, that my previous coping mechanisms have, if anything been detrimental rather than helpful. Previously I dived head first into a crazy binge on anything that would aid in killing off any and all emotional and higher brain activity. I know that this drunken, drugged approach to problem solving has left me underdeveloped in matters of the heart and relationships. It was easy but then the right path is never the easy one. This time I will do my best to deal with this head on, no hiding away, cowering in dark corners fuelled by booze and amphetamine.

So that is that - ill advised or not this is going up on-line for all of you out there who read this to keep up with me and the goings on in my life. This is where I am at - totally honest. Walls down - on their way back up. Hopefully this time they will be a little bit more effective.

To the fantasy tango partner I will say. Thank you - it was indeed a most pleasant fiction while it lasted even if it was only a monologue. I am lucky to have met you and will hopefully find some way of managing the repercussions of my mistake with dignity. Your honesty is appreciated.

To my friends: My mom told me after Annabelle that I was lucky to have such good friends and that they would help. She was right - You are all a little further away this time but I hope you are still there. If not I will allow that fiction to live on a little longer as it comforts me to believe it is true.

To my family: Thank you for being there for me always. Especially the last couple of lost years.

Enough emotion - I have already bitten a solid half hour out of my working day. Please know that although I am feeling beaten at the moment I am okay and will finally be facing this soberly, like a man as I should of in the beginning.

Thank you all for listening and now to the mundane tasks of another working day at rightnow technologies.

The Pre Game Face Curse

The pre-game face! We've all seen it before, given this one is a little disturbing given the situation.

Mat those eyes mate.... I hope that, that is only the beer and not ..... Somethings are best left unsaid.

Monkey arm

Who fed that animal beer? Hey if you can't take the piss out of yourself then who can you take the piss out of?

The Chick-slayer

This one is for all those of us out there who were around London and more specifically Ealing for the front end of 2006. We now find ourselves battling against the last days of what has been another year of growth, at least for me - and hopefully for all of you. I am sure there are those geriatric grannies out there who might have started shrinking, or continued to this year, out there.

What you see in this shot is the now famous Ealing "Chick Slayer" created owned and best performed by this very subject. Lynton never forget the shoulder charge that did you so proud on the dance floors and in the heart's of Ealing's female populace. Loving the commitment big guy and we may have to have words about the bird in the yellow there.

Hard, Fast Times in Ealing

Sometimes life just gives you lemons. I say make lemonade and respect the short skirts of this world

Rider harder

Not only do I have this girls number - I know where she lives too.

Girls, girls, girls

My housemates!!!! Although it is winter now - the cold wind blows a little warmer this year in my kneck of the woods.

Winter days and cold doors

Just in case any of you down there in deepest darkest were under the impression that I am having all the fun let me remind you that it is winter here. This weekend played host to a dramatic drop in temperature. In response we held a party - a night at school disco and a 4-course Sunday lunch for about 15 people at my place.

Enjoy the sun, but remember that only people and hard drink can warm you from the inside.

Da Business

So I thought that I would just stick this up somewhere. This is a picture of the room I stayed in on Business in Mastricht last year.

You got to love the Dutch people and their sexually liberal decorative sense. I wish I had taken a picture of the S&M granny that graced the walls of the reception area...

Distant flash of class in the South

A final post for the day. A shot from one of the old Stage Door Sessions. A little bit of blues from a world travelling musician. Somehow the hallucinogens have made their way into the digitisation process - forever capturing their strange visual effects. The memory of the substances involved long since burnt from the brain, we are now left with only this less than gentle reminder of this night.

Only one lasting memory of this night now remains. That of my then house mates, uneducated surety that the tubes ran from Waterloo until well after midnight. Their stubborn resolution resulting in a long and for the girls high-heeled walk through a cold, unfriendly London night.

The Amsterdam Time warp

So here is a somewhat disturbed youth and his lemonade, disturbed by the insane behaviour of his travelling compatriot above. Amsterdam - outside the window - the streets below are filled with the "cummings" and goings of the many visitors to her red-light district.

Some of us have taken temporary shelter from these enticements. Sitting up here trying desperately to gain some kind of perspective on what we had seen and experienced in this place.

Time like These

I post this to my blog as a reminder of perfect days with important friends. My London's summers, her concerts, pints, travellers and music out last her cold, grey, hopeless weather. Above you see the pictures of a sutable innebreate crew of Souther Hemispherian concert goers, packed into Hyde Park this summer with 85 000 others. GT's

One of the best days of my years and certainly at the very top of my London list.

Alike minds, different directions: Great?

Drunk once again! This photo although now dated marks a special point in the year. The boss and I are taking in a regailing tipple from the slug and lettuce on Putney High Street. This - the night before we headed off to Earl's Court for the pepper's. A good gig by great musicians...

Strange Ealing Rythmns hit home

Latex has always had an adverse effect on me. I have been intrigued by the possibilities of this kind of protection. Alternate uses had never occured to me, other than for a posh wank! Here though i have found a use most notable for these profolactics.

What began as a simple construction in order to have a DNA installation for a doctor's and nurses house party quickly turned into a life saving, beer carrying device.

A Brilliant new World

Crazy like the mad-hatter's tea party in Central Park

And so it begins

Out of the darkness comes a new light - the light of insanity - that reveals madness beyond the relms of the known.

__________________________________________

There is a crazyness in all of us. Some manage to bury it deep inside, hidden from the world. Here it resides well guarded from the judging eyes of those around us, that is until the 6th or 7th pint. Damned weekends, the free time calously abusing my internal organs through an all to well educated abuse of my week will.