Seemingly harsh realities fade away under a closer light ( read in entirity or not at all)

So I wasn't doing so good this morning. Pure fact - felt a little down - took some strain. I just deleted the page or so of soppy mumblings. No reason to post it - I figured some stuff out from my morning funk:

Cold grey and wet Mondays blow goats! They are like horny Argentinian goat hurders left alone on cold, craggy grey mountains.

RATM has a very powerful positive effect on me. And that days that see the return of old friend's are ones that should be marked with positive bright colours in all memories. Rowan welcome back!!! Man the party has returned to London and there is now some serious catch up to be done.

Break out the smiles and lets see if we can make those clocks run through the hours like we used to?

Now and then!!!

Another lonely Tango

So today's entry will hopefully be cathartic. Brutal honesty will command my keystrokes and form the spinal column of this chapter. There will be no pictures, no flowery language - just me and this little public viewing of my inner workings this morning.

Last night I opened myself up again... I dropped all pretence and took the risk. If I am really honest about it I think I knew what I was going to hear - I just needed to hear it. So it appears that once again I believed, wrongly so, that my heart was dancing a tango. The rhythms of its new mechanics were not mirrored by the intended partner. I said brutal honesty and I meant it. With this in mind I must say that I am not sure if it is because of the clouding of the memory of the previous encounters, or if it is just a side effect of the drug binges they induced in attempt to stop feeling, but I do not remember the cut being this deep.

My cousin, Lyal told me the first time this happened that it was a necessary part of growing up. He said that it made us build up walls and that the next time the person you let in will be that much more special for having breached them. I think that he may be right. But what do you do when you let someone in and they don't want to come in? Especially after the walls go down.

Enough harping on about what I have allowed to happen to me again. It is after all my own fault and could have been avoided or at least minimised by addressing it earlier or by not having hidden away from the repercussions of the previous attempts . This last statement should probably be expanded on - in keeping with the brutal honesty theme and to aid in identifying the lessons I so obviously need to learn.

My good aussie mate Justin once burdened me with the wisdom of not letting things like this lie. The added time, he said, only serves to prolong the fantasy, which is exactly what unrequited love must surely be. I knew then and know even more so now that this is true. I guess the first lesson is that when you think you have found someone special that you must, for yourself and for them, tell them. Wasting time and playing it safe only serve to prolong this very dangerous fantasy.

Secondly I have realised, and this is truly a big positive, that my previous coping mechanisms have, if anything been detrimental rather than helpful. Previously I dived head first into a crazy binge on anything that would aid in killing off any and all emotional and higher brain activity. I know that this drunken, drugged approach to problem solving has left me underdeveloped in matters of the heart and relationships. It was easy but then the right path is never the easy one. This time I will do my best to deal with this head on, no hiding away, cowering in dark corners fuelled by booze and amphetamine.

So that is that - ill advised or not this is going up on-line for all of you out there who read this to keep up with me and the goings on in my life. This is where I am at - totally honest. Walls down - on their way back up. Hopefully this time they will be a little bit more effective.

To the fantasy tango partner I will say. Thank you - it was indeed a most pleasant fiction while it lasted even if it was only a monologue. I am lucky to have met you and will hopefully find some way of managing the repercussions of my mistake with dignity. Your honesty is appreciated.

To my friends: My mom told me after Annabelle that I was lucky to have such good friends and that they would help. She was right - You are all a little further away this time but I hope you are still there. If not I will allow that fiction to live on a little longer as it comforts me to believe it is true.

To my family: Thank you for being there for me always. Especially the last couple of lost years.

Enough emotion - I have already bitten a solid half hour out of my working day. Please know that although I am feeling beaten at the moment I am okay and will finally be facing this soberly, like a man as I should of in the beginning.

Thank you all for listening and now to the mundane tasks of another working day at rightnow technologies.

The Pre Game Face Curse

The pre-game face! We've all seen it before, given this one is a little disturbing given the situation.

Mat those eyes mate.... I hope that, that is only the beer and not ..... Somethings are best left unsaid.

Monkey arm

Who fed that animal beer? Hey if you can't take the piss out of yourself then who can you take the piss out of?

The Chick-slayer

This one is for all those of us out there who were around London and more specifically Ealing for the front end of 2006. We now find ourselves battling against the last days of what has been another year of growth, at least for me - and hopefully for all of you. I am sure there are those geriatric grannies out there who might have started shrinking, or continued to this year, out there.

What you see in this shot is the now famous Ealing "Chick Slayer" created owned and best performed by this very subject. Lynton never forget the shoulder charge that did you so proud on the dance floors and in the heart's of Ealing's female populace. Loving the commitment big guy and we may have to have words about the bird in the yellow there.

Hard, Fast Times in Ealing

Sometimes life just gives you lemons. I say make lemonade and respect the short skirts of this world

Rider harder

Not only do I have this girls number - I know where she lives too.

Girls, girls, girls

My housemates!!!! Although it is winter now - the cold wind blows a little warmer this year in my kneck of the woods.

Winter days and cold doors

Just in case any of you down there in deepest darkest were under the impression that I am having all the fun let me remind you that it is winter here. This weekend played host to a dramatic drop in temperature. In response we held a party - a night at school disco and a 4-course Sunday lunch for about 15 people at my place.

Enjoy the sun, but remember that only people and hard drink can warm you from the inside.