So today's entry will hopefully be cathartic. Brutal honesty will command my keystrokes and form the spinal column of this chapter. There will be no pictures, no flowery language - just me and this little public viewing of my inner workings this morning.
Last night I opened myself up again... I dropped all pretence and took the risk. If I am really honest about it I think I knew what I was going to hear - I just needed to hear it. So it appears that once again I believed, wrongly so, that my heart was dancing a tango. The rhythms of its new mechanics were not mirrored by the intended partner. I said brutal honesty and I meant it. With this in mind I must say that I am not sure if it is because of the clouding of the memory of the previous encounters, or if it is just a side effect of the drug binges they induced in attempt to stop feeling, but I do not remember the cut being this deep.
My cousin, Lyal told me the first time this happened that it was a necessary part of growing up. He said that it made us build up walls and that the next time the person you let in will be that much more special for having breached them. I think that he may be right. But what do you do when you let someone in and they don't want to come in? Especially after the walls go down.
Enough harping on about what I have allowed to happen to me again. It is after all my own fault and could have been avoided or at least minimised by addressing it earlier or by not having hidden away from the repercussions of the previous attempts . This last statement should probably be expanded on - in keeping with the brutal honesty theme and to aid in identifying the lessons I so obviously need to learn.
My good aussie mate Justin once burdened me with the wisdom of not letting things like this lie. The added time, he said, only serves to prolong the fantasy, which is exactly what unrequited love must surely be. I knew then and know even more so now that this is true. I guess the first lesson is that when you think you have found someone special that you must, for yourself and for them, tell them. Wasting time and playing it safe only serve to prolong this very dangerous fantasy.
Secondly I have realised, and this is truly a big positive, that my previous coping mechanisms have, if anything been detrimental rather than helpful. Previously I dived head first into a crazy binge on anything that would aid in killing off any and all emotional and higher brain activity. I know that this drunken, drugged approach to problem solving has left me underdeveloped in matters of the heart and relationships. It was easy but then the right path is never the easy one. This time I will do my best to deal with this head on, no hiding away, cowering in dark corners fuelled by booze and amphetamine.
So that is that - ill advised or not this is going up on-line for all of you out there who read this to keep up with me and the goings on in my life. This is where I am at - totally honest. Walls down - on their way back up. Hopefully this time they will be a little bit more effective.
To the fantasy tango partner I will say. Thank you - it was indeed a most pleasant fiction while it lasted even if it was only a monologue. I am lucky to have met you and will hopefully find some way of managing the repercussions of my mistake with dignity. Your honesty is appreciated.
To my friends: My mom told me after Annabelle that I was lucky to have such good friends and that they would help. She was right - You are all a little further away this time but I hope you are still there. If not I will allow that fiction to live on a little longer as it comforts me to believe it is true.
To my family: Thank you for being there for me always. Especially the last couple of lost years.
Enough emotion - I have already bitten a solid half hour out of my working day. Please know that although I am feeling beaten at the moment I am okay and will finally be facing this soberly, like a man as I should of in the beginning.
Thank you all for listening and now to the mundane tasks of another working day at rightnow technologies.
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4 comments:
My little heart-broken buddy!
Sorry to hear you are in the doldrums... I know where you are coming from though. No amount of consoling or comforting will make you feel any better, but allow me to say one or two words. What your cousin Lyal said, I believe is very true, and I share his point of view. Love is an eternal lesson which we must learn continuously, and in doing so, fail many times before we really know what it's all about. And even then, there will always be a sense of uncertainty and apprehension when it comes to matters of the heart. If it were a simple matter, like breathing for example, there would be nothing special about it, we would do it all the time without knowing any better or appreciating it for what it is. And it wouldn't make as many great books and movies and blog entries as it does. Love is SUPPOSED to fuck you up, it's SUPPOSED to spit you out and you are SUPPOSED to feel violated and alone when the flame goes out. That's the burn, baby...
I promised myself many years ago, after being burned by Love's cold fire, that I would not allow myself to be hurt or made to be vulnerable by anyone ever again. Instead, I have hurt people closest to me and screwed up many a good relationship. That said, I was recently left exposed once again, and unrequited Love slapped me across the cheek with the back of her icy hand. They say what is meant to be shall be... On the one hand I believe you have to fight for every damn inch in this world, but on the other, it would appear that sometimes things just won't go your way, and you gotta know when to bow out. And THAT sucks. But therein lies the trick, and the triumph. For if you are able to pick yourself up and dust yourself off, you will have armed yourself with more ammunition for the next time. And, unfortunately the next time after that.
No one said life was easy, Buub. On the contrary, it's bloody tough. It's how you deal with it that makes all the difference. If I may make a suggestion though; take some time to clear your head, the catharsis you talk about, and then get straight back on that pony again. Shift your focus, change your view, whatever it takes, but living in a city as crazy and busy as London, I'm sure you'll find something. And know that I'm thinking of you, little buddy, but I know you're going to be just fine. Go find yourself a little slutty Christmas elf to entertain yourself with. Tell her she can sit on Santa's lap.
Sometimes, it's the little things!
Good luck and merry, merry...
Hey JM, I really wish I could say I was going to be in London over X-Mas. I know you're gonna be cool. Keep on keeping on and I'll see you real soon.
P.S I like the new haircut!
hey buuby,
bummed to hear yonder news...but dude, from every balls-up comes a silver lining (or something deep like that). Honesty really is the best policy (forgive the cheese) and these draw out secretly harboured love pangs only get harder to deal with the longer you draw them out.
my main min, there are people down south that think and worry about you, so dont feel alone- we know how shit feeling alone is- so keep on keeping on as you bro says, there's a honey pot(hehe) at the end of your rainbow (love that cheese).
Hey Buubus.
Well i have told you my thoughts about the situation. It sucks and that's life. But one thing is for sure man... there is always light at the end of the tunnel and if you can't be asked to wait... get a hair cut.
Later man,
Stuart
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