Seemingly harsh realities fade away under a closer light ( read in entirity or not at all)

So I wasn't doing so good this morning. Pure fact - felt a little down - took some strain. I just deleted the page or so of soppy mumblings. No reason to post it - I figured some stuff out from my morning funk:

Cold grey and wet Mondays blow goats! They are like horny Argentinian goat hurders left alone on cold, craggy grey mountains.

RATM has a very powerful positive effect on me. And that days that see the return of old friend's are ones that should be marked with positive bright colours in all memories. Rowan welcome back!!! Man the party has returned to London and there is now some serious catch up to be done.

Break out the smiles and lets see if we can make those clocks run through the hours like we used to?

Now and then!!!

Another lonely Tango

So today's entry will hopefully be cathartic. Brutal honesty will command my keystrokes and form the spinal column of this chapter. There will be no pictures, no flowery language - just me and this little public viewing of my inner workings this morning.

Last night I opened myself up again... I dropped all pretence and took the risk. If I am really honest about it I think I knew what I was going to hear - I just needed to hear it. So it appears that once again I believed, wrongly so, that my heart was dancing a tango. The rhythms of its new mechanics were not mirrored by the intended partner. I said brutal honesty and I meant it. With this in mind I must say that I am not sure if it is because of the clouding of the memory of the previous encounters, or if it is just a side effect of the drug binges they induced in attempt to stop feeling, but I do not remember the cut being this deep.

My cousin, Lyal told me the first time this happened that it was a necessary part of growing up. He said that it made us build up walls and that the next time the person you let in will be that much more special for having breached them. I think that he may be right. But what do you do when you let someone in and they don't want to come in? Especially after the walls go down.

Enough harping on about what I have allowed to happen to me again. It is after all my own fault and could have been avoided or at least minimised by addressing it earlier or by not having hidden away from the repercussions of the previous attempts . This last statement should probably be expanded on - in keeping with the brutal honesty theme and to aid in identifying the lessons I so obviously need to learn.

My good aussie mate Justin once burdened me with the wisdom of not letting things like this lie. The added time, he said, only serves to prolong the fantasy, which is exactly what unrequited love must surely be. I knew then and know even more so now that this is true. I guess the first lesson is that when you think you have found someone special that you must, for yourself and for them, tell them. Wasting time and playing it safe only serve to prolong this very dangerous fantasy.

Secondly I have realised, and this is truly a big positive, that my previous coping mechanisms have, if anything been detrimental rather than helpful. Previously I dived head first into a crazy binge on anything that would aid in killing off any and all emotional and higher brain activity. I know that this drunken, drugged approach to problem solving has left me underdeveloped in matters of the heart and relationships. It was easy but then the right path is never the easy one. This time I will do my best to deal with this head on, no hiding away, cowering in dark corners fuelled by booze and amphetamine.

So that is that - ill advised or not this is going up on-line for all of you out there who read this to keep up with me and the goings on in my life. This is where I am at - totally honest. Walls down - on their way back up. Hopefully this time they will be a little bit more effective.

To the fantasy tango partner I will say. Thank you - it was indeed a most pleasant fiction while it lasted even if it was only a monologue. I am lucky to have met you and will hopefully find some way of managing the repercussions of my mistake with dignity. Your honesty is appreciated.

To my friends: My mom told me after Annabelle that I was lucky to have such good friends and that they would help. She was right - You are all a little further away this time but I hope you are still there. If not I will allow that fiction to live on a little longer as it comforts me to believe it is true.

To my family: Thank you for being there for me always. Especially the last couple of lost years.

Enough emotion - I have already bitten a solid half hour out of my working day. Please know that although I am feeling beaten at the moment I am okay and will finally be facing this soberly, like a man as I should of in the beginning.

Thank you all for listening and now to the mundane tasks of another working day at rightnow technologies.

The Pre Game Face Curse

The pre-game face! We've all seen it before, given this one is a little disturbing given the situation.

Mat those eyes mate.... I hope that, that is only the beer and not ..... Somethings are best left unsaid.

Monkey arm

Who fed that animal beer? Hey if you can't take the piss out of yourself then who can you take the piss out of?

The Chick-slayer

This one is for all those of us out there who were around London and more specifically Ealing for the front end of 2006. We now find ourselves battling against the last days of what has been another year of growth, at least for me - and hopefully for all of you. I am sure there are those geriatric grannies out there who might have started shrinking, or continued to this year, out there.

What you see in this shot is the now famous Ealing "Chick Slayer" created owned and best performed by this very subject. Lynton never forget the shoulder charge that did you so proud on the dance floors and in the heart's of Ealing's female populace. Loving the commitment big guy and we may have to have words about the bird in the yellow there.

Hard, Fast Times in Ealing

Sometimes life just gives you lemons. I say make lemonade and respect the short skirts of this world

Rider harder

Not only do I have this girls number - I know where she lives too.

Girls, girls, girls

My housemates!!!! Although it is winter now - the cold wind blows a little warmer this year in my kneck of the woods.

Winter days and cold doors

Just in case any of you down there in deepest darkest were under the impression that I am having all the fun let me remind you that it is winter here. This weekend played host to a dramatic drop in temperature. In response we held a party - a night at school disco and a 4-course Sunday lunch for about 15 people at my place.

Enjoy the sun, but remember that only people and hard drink can warm you from the inside.

Da Business

So I thought that I would just stick this up somewhere. This is a picture of the room I stayed in on Business in Mastricht last year.

You got to love the Dutch people and their sexually liberal decorative sense. I wish I had taken a picture of the S&M granny that graced the walls of the reception area...

Distant flash of class in the South

A final post for the day. A shot from one of the old Stage Door Sessions. A little bit of blues from a world travelling musician. Somehow the hallucinogens have made their way into the digitisation process - forever capturing their strange visual effects. The memory of the substances involved long since burnt from the brain, we are now left with only this less than gentle reminder of this night.

Only one lasting memory of this night now remains. That of my then house mates, uneducated surety that the tubes ran from Waterloo until well after midnight. Their stubborn resolution resulting in a long and for the girls high-heeled walk through a cold, unfriendly London night.

The Amsterdam Time warp

So here is a somewhat disturbed youth and his lemonade, disturbed by the insane behaviour of his travelling compatriot above. Amsterdam - outside the window - the streets below are filled with the "cummings" and goings of the many visitors to her red-light district.

Some of us have taken temporary shelter from these enticements. Sitting up here trying desperately to gain some kind of perspective on what we had seen and experienced in this place.

Time like These

I post this to my blog as a reminder of perfect days with important friends. My London's summers, her concerts, pints, travellers and music out last her cold, grey, hopeless weather. Above you see the pictures of a sutable innebreate crew of Souther Hemispherian concert goers, packed into Hyde Park this summer with 85 000 others. GT's

One of the best days of my years and certainly at the very top of my London list.

Alike minds, different directions: Great?

Drunk once again! This photo although now dated marks a special point in the year. The boss and I are taking in a regailing tipple from the slug and lettuce on Putney High Street. This - the night before we headed off to Earl's Court for the pepper's. A good gig by great musicians...

Strange Ealing Rythmns hit home

Latex has always had an adverse effect on me. I have been intrigued by the possibilities of this kind of protection. Alternate uses had never occured to me, other than for a posh wank! Here though i have found a use most notable for these profolactics.

What began as a simple construction in order to have a DNA installation for a doctor's and nurses house party quickly turned into a life saving, beer carrying device.

A Brilliant new World

Crazy like the mad-hatter's tea party in Central Park

And so it begins

Out of the darkness comes a new light - the light of insanity - that reveals madness beyond the relms of the known.

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There is a crazyness in all of us. Some manage to bury it deep inside, hidden from the world. Here it resides well guarded from the judging eyes of those around us, that is until the 6th or 7th pint. Damned weekends, the free time calously abusing my internal organs through an all to well educated abuse of my week will.